The Consultant
By Kevin J. Fleming, Ph.D.

A slick, Armani-clad guy is whizzing though the Irish countryside in his SL 500 when he sees a sheepherder. Interested, he pulls over for a moment and says, Hey - tell you what: If I guess how many sheep you' ve got here in this pasture , you gotta give me one.” The sheepherder, thinking this was an impossible task of course, agrees. And so the guy sits in his Mercedes, typing at his laptop. He pulls up a GPS, tunes into a variety of web sites, fiddles with a number of gadgets - and eventually compiles a fifty-page report. Analyzing the data, he turns to the herder and says: You have 1,345 sheep.” 

The herder is shocked. The guy got it absolutely right. So the slickster proceeds to walk into the pasture and take a sheep. But just before the guy takes off, the sheepherder responds, Okay, tell you what - if I guess what you do for a living, you gotta give me my sheep back. The guy thinks for a moment, and being a betting man, nods in agreement. The sheepherder quickly replies, You' re a consultant.” 

The guy is taken aback. He leans against his sports car and wonders aloud “How did you know?”  And the sheepherder begi“Well , you show up here uninvited, you tell me something I already know and on top of it all, you know nothing about my business , now gimme back my sheepdog!

I know you have been down this road before. Peter Block shares with us a remark from a high-level executive who often books business seminars and consultants , he says, The bigger the name of the speaker, the more people are willing to be disappointed.” 

I know that some readers have been disappointed with their corporate training. The ropes courses, TQM and team building have fallen short of not only your personal expectations as executives, but also your corporate leaders , who at the end of the day, want nothing more than a motivated, esteemed employee base that can produce results. Yet, those results never manifest themselves.

And what companies are left with is pricey, redesigned rhetoric that promises lasting change but fails to provide any intrinsic motivation that changes employees' behaviors.

I want you to think back to your last corporate training experience. Think about the energy. Think about the people. Think about the friends you thought you made. The feeling of elation as you drove home thinking , ‘This is phenomenal. I can' t wait to up my personal investment in this company tomorrow morning.' But tomorrow morning was a lifetime away because in between your drive home from the business seminar and that tomorrow morning something happened: Your kids got sick. Your husband got angry. You forgot to pick up the dry cleaning. You realized it was your assistant' s birthday and you hadn' t planned a thing…and on, and on, and on.
           
The great thing about team-building seminars and consultants is that they give you that momentary feeling of being invincible , of wanting and being able to change and improve your life overnight. The unfortunate thing about them is that they give you neither the TOOLS nor the SUPPORT SYSTEM to sustain that change.

Now don' t get me wrong, I' d love to be a billionaire, giving solace and therapy to all of you for the rest of your lives. In fact, it would have been easy for me to do just that but I found that instead of giving these clients the tools with which they could improve their lives, instead of giving them resiliency, I was providing unconditional acceptance. In the end that created dependency, not an independent healthy alternative.

So how does this relate to the corporate culture? Well, it' s paramount to our professional lives because under all the different cultures, skins, attitudes and assumptions that each of us posses , we all share a brain that' s wired the same way.

The fact is that we all have a brain and a heart that works by the same principles and illusions. We' ve all heard the quote that: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Well, I want you to think about your experience as a professional right now. Are you truly satisfied? Is your corporate environment consistently willing to change and improve? Do you feel fulfilled and thereby have a deep passion to produce better results in your department? Unfortunately, for millions of executives, the answer is no. And so, I ask you take this brief journey with me. To trust just for today what I am about to tell you.

The Science

This is not about surface-level training. This is about science. And when I got on a plane this morning, I had absolute faith that my 757 would take off, cruise at 30,000 feet and land safely. I had faith in it because I knew that the principles governing that plane were rooted in scientific proof. And all of the life-changing psychology I will share with you here is as well. Let' s make sure we all understand a few fundamental principles before we begin. These are:

• Telling someone what you want isn' t enough to make it happen.
• People want more of something that happens to align with their own goals.
• No one wants to be dying or difficult.
• We do what we want and we don' t do what we don' t want.
• Your reality is different than someone else' s reality.

What do these five things really mean?

Number 1 is routed in human nature. As Abraham Lincoln said, “How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four, calling a tail a leg doesn' t make it a leg.” And telling someone what you want him to believe doesn' t mean he will believe it , unless it is centered in truth.

Number 2 is a profoundly common mistake that managers make time and time again, Failing to understand that true motivation comes from aligning desires is the common mistake. Galileo famously said, You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him find it within himself. And allowing your employees to come to their own realizations is the most powerful way to enact change.

Number 3 is really about choice and behavioral patterns. Does someone who smokes everyday really want to die a decade later, probably not? Does Rick in marketing really want to act like a fool all the time? My guess is no. But without providing training or an environment for behavioral change, we cannot simply rely on “will” to create change.

Number 4 is something we all experience on a daily basis. And that is, at the end of the day, no matter how much you want someone to do something, their underlying behavior is what will drive them to be an extraordinary performer versus one that just ‘gets by' .

Number 5 is about your reality and your perspective. We all have assumptions about other people based on our past and present experiences. Too often we project these on our co-workers, our boss, our employees , expecting them to be mind-readers , and then becoming angry or despondent when they don' t react in the way WE want them to.

Everyone reading this has been in this maddening circle. We live in fear of giving too much freedom to people; getting to close to those we rely on in the professional environment. We give advice instead of making personal changes. We lay on empowerment seminars to make us all feel good about ourselves but that emotional fulfillment is flimsy and short-lived. As Lester Tobias points out: “Empowerment is a myth. It isn' t about power; it' s about giving up power.”

Now, I will warn you, truth , or getting REAL , is uncomfortable. It' s uncomfortable because we simply are not used to pursuing it. As Gloria Steinem once remarked, “The truth will set you free. But first, it will piss you off.”

No where is this more relevant than in a society of glossy billboards, retouched photos and the pseudo-perfect marriages portrayed in film and television. I swear I never, ever quote Dr. Phil, but one of his most profound statements is that “our daily insanity is comparing our reality to other people' s façade.”

Think about that for a minute. Think about how many times in a day we measure, cajole or dismiss based on our perceived reality of that other person' s life. To show vulnerability seek what is real instead of the what we want to hear and to be honest about our shortcomings and genuinely expressive about our achievements. These actions are all embedded in truth. And they are uncomfortable and disarming at first because…we are just so bad , so really bad - at being truthful.

I remember coming from a team-building seminar last year where I was observing a few of the speakers. After the program the feedback was the following:

“Wow, I have a better understanding of where the company is going!” “It' s so great that everyone now understands their roles! ”There' s so much great energy here , I now have a newfound belief in management!”

Sounds great right? Except it' s all talk. That seminar was about putting people first, not about finding the truth , not about getting real. Think about the verbiage: company, everyone, management. Everything they talked about was focused on the external , something that you and I know we have very, very little control over , and almost none of it was devoted to the internal , something you and I know we have huge amounts of control over.

When we talk about getting REAL. We' re talking about just that , an acronym for truth.

R is for Realizing , having the realization that this psychology is the answer.
E is for Evaluating your own role in any situation , not scrutinizing another' s.
A is for Adjusting your personal reaction , your internal workings ,
   to become more truthful, more vulnerable, more whole as a person. And
L is for Living every part of your life with these critical changes in mind.

I want you to think of a Victorian house on or around Main Street USA. You' ve all seen them. They' re usually rented out by dentists or doctors or lawyers as office space and then converted year after year to fit the needs of the new tenants.

And through those years, layers of wallpaper, and flooring and paint have been added to suit each renter' s style or passion. Now think of this in terms of your corporate culture.

New management, new executives, new training programs , they all add new layers of how we should be acting, reacting and performing. But these layers are often thick, and mismatched , sometimes stale and outdated.

Now every so often, someone will come along and buy one of these Victorian houses to live in. They will begin to refurbish it, peeling back those layers and striping them down to find, much to their surprise, a stunning mahogany floor or a solid layer of brick. This stripping is what we' re all here about today. It' s peeling away all that you' ve been taught about how to appear satisfied and superficially practice what you' ve been preached. It' s getting to the truth about who you are as an individual and as a member of your corporate family.

And more than that, it' s about how you as an individual can have a profound affect on the environment, profit and growth of your company while living a life that you enjoy and relish.

So now I' d like to tell you about a friend of mine named Bob. Bob is a guy like you and I. He has a great home, a wife and a son. He has dreams, ambitions. He' s smart, talented and likes fishing and reality television. Bob also has a lot of responsibility. Lately he' s been feeling restless, unfulfilled and unengaged in his life.

A typical day for Bob starts at his home in the morning, already late for work he skips breakfast, barely kisses his wife goodbye and heads out to the car. Just as he' s pulling out of the driveway, his son runs out to stop him saying that he promised to help him with his math homework. Bob looks at his watch, and sighs. He takes the textbook from his son right there in the driveway and asks him to read the problem aloud. His son does exactly that, but Bob is getting more and more impatient, looking at his watch and knowing he' s going to be miserably late for his morning meeting. He yells to his wife in the house, “Can' t you help him with this?” He and his wife get into a brief spat. She resents him as does his son, but he doesn' t have time to deal with their emotional baggage right now.

Bob rushes into work , despising his son and wife more and more for making him feel guilty. In the hallway he passes Sally who wants to walk with him and ask him how his meeting went yesterday. In a hurry, he snaps “Y' know some people work around here Sally.” He moves on and Sally is left to process his gruff sarcasm.

Bob then scurries into the morning meeting as his boss is reviewing the agenda, everyone notices he' s late, his hair a bit disheveled. His boss makes a statement in the middle of the meeting regarding Bob' s department. The accusation is false and based on incorrect data, but Bob sits quietly fuming , knowing his past performance review wasn' t that great and unsure he' ll ever be able to win over his boss in this thankless job.

 At mid-day, Bob takes a quick lunch with other executives, sitting next to Andrea. Andrea always comes to work with a fake smile on her face. She' s just so damn perky , like what the hell is so great about her life anyway?  Bob knows they have to work on a project together starting next month and is dreading every minute of spending time with someone he doesn' t connect with at all.

Sitting in his office later that afternoon, Bob knows he deserves a raise. He knows he could make more money somewhere else , maybe he should just quit.

His assistant Ryan pops in to let him know about his next meeting and Bob snaps “I know already, alright.” His attitude doesn' t really bother Ryan that much anymore; he' s used to Bob' s outbursts, but is definitely looking to be transferred.

Bob sits in his last meeting of the day with a few of his colleagues. He' s bored, unmotivated , he looks around the room assessing each of them and how poor their skill set is. Maybe if he had a better team around him, his boss would see what a great asset he could be to the company.

As Bob heads home that night, he decides to go grab few beers instead of facing his disappointed wife and son at home , left in the wake of this departure this morning.

So let me ask you, are you like Bob or do you work with a guy like Bob?

How many Bobs do you know?

Improving your life by getting REAL

This story is not meant to depress, it' s meant to inspire because as I' ll outline below, getting REAL , Realizing, Evaluating, Adjusting and Living , can vastly improve Bob' s , and your - life.
Understanding truth, implementing that truth and having the courage and focus to practice it as part of your corporate partnership will put you back in a place of genuine passion for what you do. It will also improve the lives of the people around you , the people who are vital to your long-term happiness and enjoyment of life.

Think about it like this, if you relate to people through truthful communication, the likelihood that they will respond proactively in a crisis situation increases exponentially. If you communicate by trying to control, they' ll most likely provide you with minimal involvement or concern.

As John Locke points out, “It is one thing to show a man he is in error, and quite another to put him in possession of truth.”

So let' s meet up with Bob again. We all rush in the morning and that' s not going to change. Maybe Bob could put his coffee in a to-go cup and grab a bagel for the road but the real challenge here comes with his son.

Instead of Bob trying to give everything to everyone at moment of a high stress, Bob gets out of the car, looks his son in the eyes and says “Look, I' m sorry. I screwed up here. I got really swamped this morning and I know I promised you. Do you think you could give me one more shot? I love helping you with your homework, but could you ask one of the boys on the bus to help you just this one time?” 

Bob' s son gives him a momentary disappointed look but pops back with “Yeah, okay. Jimmy' s really good at this stuff , maybe I' ll ask him. But tonight I' ll need you for spelling.”  Bob hugs his son and makes a mental note to spend at least 30 minutes with his son on homework tonight.

In getting REAL, Bob is implementing “R”. He' s realizing that he' s made a promise he cannot keep. Bob is honest with his son; he renegotiates and uses truth to break down any barriers of mistrust or resentment. Bob doesn' t put the task off onto someone else , for example, his wife , to make up for it. He simply takes responsibility and moves on to a solution.

So now Bob gets to the office with a few moments to spare. He walks with Sally, breaking down the high and low points of the meeting yesterday. She comments that she' s feeling a bit overwhelmed with this assignment. Bob - letting his guard down - tells her the same. He even admits that every assignment gets him a little freaked out, but as soon as they get together as a group, his anxiety lessens. Sally is encouraged by this and heads off.

Here in “E”, Bob evaluates himself. How does he feel when he starts a project?  Him showing his vulnerability to Sally disarms her. And allows her to go forward with more confidence coupled with a genuine respect for Bob' s candor.

At the morning meeting as Bob' s boss is pointing out some disappointing numbers in his department, Bob interrupts politely, saying that some information has been added to the report that will clarify a few of these numbers. His boss doubts this will make any significant change but he' ll talk about it with him after the meeting.

Here in ”A, Bob adjusts his reaction. Of course, he would have preferred a better response from his boss, but he knows his numbers will make a difference. Bob doesn' t need to change is temperament to feed off of his boss' s assumptions. He' ll have his time after the meeting to make his case - and at tomorrow' s meeting, it' ll be apparent that his numbers did in fact work.

Bob has lunch with Sally. He asks her why she seems so cheery lately. Sally responds that she' s met someone and he' s a great guy , someone who she thinks she' s in love with. Bob takes this in, remembering how he felt when he first met his wife.

Instead of assuming Sally's smile was fake, Bob, again using A adjusts his observation of Sally, omitting his perceived idea of why she' s smiling and his assumption that it' s fake. He simply recognizes it. This gives him the space to ask her about it , and her response allows him to have a welcomed memory of his own past with the woman he loves.

At the end of the day, instead of sitting in that meeting reevaluating everyone else, he looks at himself. What could he do differently to improve his team' s performance?

Bob is living his behavioral change, not projecting it onto others. And not expecting that these others will change for or with him.

Instead of going out for beers, Bob goes home…and finds his reward.

The wrap up:
These behavioral changes may seem easy, difficult, and even simplistic or confusing but I can categorically guarantee you one thing: they all work. The process of realizing, evaluating, adjusting and living your own life as opposed to making assumptions, getting angry, making excuses, desperately wanting results but never getting them will transform every aspect of your day.

And so I ask you , are you searching to be right or are you searching to be real? Psychology tells us that if you are living Bob' s first life and always searching to be right, your search , whether you' re a CEO, an executive or an assistant , will be an endless one. People connect with truth, employees are motivated by honest and vulnerable communications - and loyalty and performance are intrinsically tied to that connection.

Thomas Szasz wrote that: Formerly when science was weak and religion strong, men mistook magic for medicine. Now, when science is strong and religion weak, men mistake medicine for magic.”

Your medicine is not magic. There is no mystical power point program that is going to make you more powerful, make you right, or make you build better teams. Because true accomplishment, profitability and change comes from the individual efforts of your most trusted executives to tear back the layers of programmed success and begin to implement personal achievement.

In our workshops we further strip down those layers. We work on changing our behaviors and we share our honest opinions - trading controlling communications for communication that is grounded in true relation.

We need to understand our perceptions and how they influence our behavior. Most of all - we need to take away for this article the understanding of one critical thing: That having a productive day starts with having an authentic day and that truth, that honesty, that freedom begins with getting REAL.

According to Dean Spitzer, author of Super Motivation, 70% of employees are less motivated today than they used to be. Over 80% employees could perform significantly better if they wanted to. And, 50% of executives only put enough effort into their work to keep their job.

I know that:

• we can live better.
• providing you with the tools and the support system to craft this new behavior is just the beginning
• this is an absolute science with proven results that will not only change your company, but also change your personal life and your personal performance.

I thank you for allowing me to share this message with you. I hope that you find someone to be your catalyst and to be a small part of the enormous and permanent change we all can achieve.